What the Hell is a Finance Bro?
Seventeen years after leaving Wall Street, I found myself watching three Patagonia-clad men pitch a water startup... next to a lake. Some species are impossible to escape... but fascinating to study.
Editor’s Note: Still on vacation… and the beach is way too crowded. However, yesterday I received a reminder that I had written this a while back but never published it. So, I dusted it off, made some updates…
Now it’s going from the draft folder and straight to your heart…
Dear Fellow Traveler,
Seventeen years after leaving Wall Street, I found myself at an early lunch in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Monday.
My family watched the sun hover over the bluest water in America.
At the table beside us, before noon, three guys in matching Patagonia vests LOUDLY discussed their water startup with a rich man in a tie.
I remind you… They did all this next to a freshwater lake.
On a Monday.
In Tahoe.
No matter where I go, or how far I run from Manhattan or Chicago, I can't shake them.
It's time to define a term I've long avoided...
The Great American “Finance Bro.”
Let’s study them in their natural habitats.
What is a Finance Bro?
Finance Bro, you ask?
Out in the wild, you might have seen him.
And if so… approach cautiously…
He’s a young-ish male who works in Finance, treats optimization like a religion, and has turned market volatility into his personality.
If you haven’t seen one before…
Well…
Imagine if a CrossFit enthusiast mated with a Bloomberg Terminal.
Then he drank enough liquid confidence to pitch anything to anyone, anytime.
I’ll make it easy for you… think Ryan Gosling… in The Big Short.
But there’s more to this personality than just a movie scene.
I'm genuinely impressed by their dedication to optimization and their ability to thrive under pressure.
But their commitment to a very specific aesthetic, lifestyle, and regimen has created something worth documenting. And it all starts with the Finance Bro Starter Kit.
Let’s Start With the Wardrobe
For a Finance Bro… there’s nothing more important than the look.
And the look never changes.
The clothes do make the man (with apologies to George Michael.)
Finance Bros follow a dress code more rigid than West Point.
And every piece of the wardrobe plays a VERY specific role in the personality.
The first mandatory piece is the Patagonia vest.
Colors matter. He only gets three choices: navy, black, or that one specific gray.
Yes, the rules around the vest are absurdly strict. But remember, behind every vest is someone who knows more about market volatility than you do.
This vest has meaning.
It signifies that the Finance Bro makes money, but that he’s approachable on the East Coast and/or cares about the environment on the West Coast.
Approachable? Of course.
Find yourself next to a Finance Bro in one, and he may discuss tonight’s baseball game with you while waiting for a morning coffee… but he’s really just waiting to tell you where he works (or in some cases, where he’s interviewing.)
That Patagonia vest is worn year-round.
Even in July… In Tahoe.
And especially when pitching water companies, technology enhancements, supply chain startups, or leveraged financial products.
The vest will come off from time to time, but only in the most sweltering part of the NYC summer. And very reluctantly (it might have to be melting, for him to pry it off…)
The shirt underneath that vest is always white or light blue.
No patterns.
Ever.
Patterns are risky.
And you must know that risk is for client portfolios, not collars.
Wearing a pattern could lead to their excommunication.
They may be tied to the back of a donkey by other Finance Bros, sitting backwards with a bucket on their head, and shipped to Eastern Pennsylvania.
If they wear a tie (and not many do after COVID), that’s really the only opportunity to showcase their personality.
On special occasions, expect a darker tie with tiny white dots, maybe burgundy with a faint diagonal stripe, or something described as “conservative flair…”
You won’t see any TGI Friday’s style flair in this setup.
Remember, his tie is just metaphorical noise layered on top of plain spreadsheets.
To round out the main wardrobe, his pants will always be tight and a centimeter too short. That's a mystery as to why…
Remember, the goal isn’t fashion.
It’s signal optimization.
Finance Bros are people trying to project competence, show a little taste, all while sacrificing their individuality to the collective Altar of Finance.
Now… this is really important.
They will only wear a tie clip if the managing director has given it to them or if it bears the initials of their financial institution.
If a Finance Bro’s friend gives him a tie clip for being in a wedding party with his initials on it, he will likely throw it in the trash.
Rounding Out the Starter Kit
The watch and the suit are the second and third parts of the Finance Bro Starter Kit.
For a watch, there are only two choices.
He either has an Apple Watch for tracking CrossFit metrics, sleeping patterns, heart rate, and market alerts.
Or it’s a Rolex Submariner… a way to display net worth and initiate a conversation about body surfing or snorkeling on an island you’ve never heard of… or “Out East” in Montauk?
His suits are navy or charcoal, tailored tight enough to show he does CrossFit but loose enough to suggest he doesn't take himself too seriously.
But that doesn’t quite work, and he knows that...
I almost forgot…
Shoes are strict. You’ll see a lot of Allbirds on casual Fridays.
Cole Haan is popular for client meetings.
You don’t see many Nike or Reebok products.
Think Golden Goose sneakers if they're under 30 or work somewhere that there’s a ping pong table and free beer after 4 pm.
Oh yeah…
And haircuts are expensive.
Not just because of the specific barber, but also due to the frequency of visits.
A haircut is mandatory every two weeks.
There’s a lot of layering.
It’s popular to buzz a Guard 1 or 2 trimmer on the sides with longer hair combed over because they saw Cristiano Ronaldo with this cut once…
Don’t say anything to him about his hair, though.
Just glancing at it as he notices you do so is all the thanks he needs.
Essential Accessories
Accessories are everything in a lifestyle, all about the details.
So, if you suspect you might have seen a Finance Bro in the wild, do not approach unless you want to have a 17-minute conversation about Microstrategy’s Michael Saylor and the price trajectory of Bitcoin.
Instead, look for more details that might confirm your suspicion.
AirPods Pro are mandatory. Regular AirPods scream, "I shopped at Target."
Aviator sunglasses because they want to feel like a "stock market ninja."
Tumi briefcase to carry their MacBook, protein powder, and crypto wallets.
No-show socks because ankle exposure signals sophistication.
A hard copy of Ray Dalio’s Principles: None of them have actually finished it, but they’ve watched the summary on YouTube four times.
A reversible belt in black and brown. One belt that offers infinite possibilities. It provides them so much optimization that you’d get dizzy just thinking about it.
Moleskine notebook for "million-dollar ideas" that are usually lists of health supplements for their next trip to GNC.
Add it all up, and everyone looks like they stepped out of the same GQ article and got their shopping tips from the sponsors at Brett McKay's The Art of Manliness.
Where They Roam
Finance Bros migrate in predictable patterns.
I wouldn’t see them in the morning in Chicago or New York, because I slept in...
Many of them start their day at the gym at 6 am (Equinox is popular) because the market opens at 9:30 ET, and they crave mental clarity and a reason to “crush” water.
The gym is also a fantastic place to hear about and loudly discuss crypto innovation and leveraged ETFs while doing Bulgarian split squats.
They’ll pretend it's for networking.
It's really just peacocking.
With work, it depends on which way they flock after the gym.
If they don’t have a job at a bank, you can also find them early in the morning in select WeWork locations that somehow managed to survive bankruptcy…
And if not WeWork, try those independent co-working places (that may have a pool) but look a bit like a former middle school library… before the fire.
These places are still very important to one’s "entrepreneurial journey."
After the market closes or startup pitches are done from WeWork phone booths, it’s gonna be Happy Hour.
Now, I went to dive bars in Manhattan, Chicago, and Washington, D.C.
Only occasionally would I find myself outnumbered by these fascinating creatures.
The closest I ever got to True Finance Bro territory in D.C. was accidentally walking into a happy hour at 'The Capital Grille.'
I ordered a beer.
The bartender asked what kind.
I said 'cold.'
Three guys in vests turned to stare at me like I'd asked for directions to Wendy's.
As you’ll find, the bars are more upscale.
In Chicago, consider SoHo House or The Berkshire Room for "networking" over $22 cocktails.
In New York, on Stone Street, it’ll be tough to find a seat, especially during Intern Season.
If you can’t get in there (you can’t), throw a dart at any map of Manhattan or Chicago rooftop bars that have views of buildings where other Finance Bros work.
Now… this is also important.
It’s summer right now.
So, a lot of New York Finance Bros are out in the Hamptons (they call it “Out East”), where they share a house they call "The Estate" with seven other guys who use the same barber.
But, it now seems they’ve migrated west to pristine mountain lakes where they can pitch water startups to anyone within earshot.
Fascinating…
The Corporate Dialect
Finance Bros speak a language unto themselves.
It’s important that I put together a “cheet sheet” you can understand.
You are welcome in advance…
I think the most important word you can pull from their ever-shifting language today is “Fire.”
“Fire” means amazing, exciting, or really good.
So they might tell another Finance Bro that their “pitch deck was fire…”
Or say that the “rooftop event by Barclays was fire.”
Or… that “this new quinoa bowl is fire for my intermittent fasting window…"
Here are some other things you might hear…
"I'm bullish on…" means he thinks something might work out.
"That's not scalable" means he doesn’t understand it.
"We're disrupting the space" means he’s copying something that already exists.
"Let's circle back on this" means he forgot what we were talking about.
"I'm raising a round" means he needs money.
“I have bandwidth“ means he’s not busy but wants to sound like he is.
"That's a moonshot" means it'll probably fail, but sounds impressive.
"We're moving the needle" means he made a minor change.
"Let's take this offline" means he needs to stop talking in front of other people.
“I just love trading” means he has every sports gambling app legal in New Jersey and New York, and can name all of the dog-themed cryptocurrencies in alphabetical order.
Everything else either "crushes it" or anything that he doesn’t like is “mid” - just slang for “average.”
Remember, in the finance bro’s world, nothing ever gets fixed or improved.
Instead, he "architects solutions" and "optimizes workflows."
And if you ever hear him say something that sounds like this…
“Our blockchain-powered, AI-driven startup is straight fire, fam!”
Leave…
Just leave.
Climb out or walk through the window to reach the street if necessary, then head to Down the Hatch in the West Village and play beer pong, alone if needed.
Daily Operating System
A Finance Bro’s schedule runs like his Swiss timepieces.
It’s actually impressive.
But getting from place to place will almost always involve a motorized Citi bike.
At 5:30 am, the Apple Watch alarm goes off.
This is when the finance bro checks pre-market futures while still waking up.
The ones who didn’t drink last night may post motivational quotes on LinkedIn about "grinding" so that we know that they’re up.
At 6:00 am, this is prime gym session time.
This most likely takes place at Equinox or a hotel gym at whatever Four Seasons/Ritz they're staying at during business travel. That said, it could also happen at an LA Fitness if the analyst is younger or operates out of a WeWork.
Here, they’ll discuss last night's earnings calls between sets and examine their crypto wallets (at least five or six times).
At 7:30 am, it’s time for an overpriced coffee run.
This will never be Starbucks. There’s no shot. This has to be a place that has single-origin beans, which he can name-drop.
This is a great opportunity for you to discover music you haven’t heard before.
Don’t worry, he’ll tell you about it from his AirPods Pro.
The barista will also know his name, order, and thoughts on Fed policy.
He flirts with her. She doesn’t back.
From 9:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., these are working hours.
These are also "trading" hours, which mainly involve staring at screens and sending market hot takes to group chats. Some of these bros use Discord to chat.
Others use something that we haven’t heard of yet.
Whatever it is… It’s “fire.”
From 4:30 pm until, it’s time for the second gym session or "client drinks"
If it’s the former, it’s probably leg day… or just another chance to go back to Equinox to network or access their favorite eucalyptus towels.
If it’s the latter, it’s just networking disguised as socially acceptable alcoholism.
Things start to get a bit hazy after 7 pm.
Sushi is likely to be on the menu at some point.
Choose Your Finance Bro or Collect Them All
There’s a pecking order to all this… and it’s as rigid as the dress code.
I never climbed into any of these ranks. But I have favorites…
The Investment Banking Analyst represents the entry-level specimen.
He works 100-hour weeks. He survives on Adderall, pure ambition, and hope. He’s been convinced by some other Finance Bros that sleep is a character weakness.
He rarely dates…
Or he may be dating a younger woman whose father is also in banking, and they met while he was in college… all of them… the analyst, the father, and the girl.
He only wants to impress one of them… and you only need one guess “who” it is…
A Private Equity Associate shows evolutionary progress.
He’s learned to delegate 100-hour weeks to younger Finance Bros.
He’s exceptional at upgrading his Swiss timepieces and has taken up a much better whiskey collection in recent months.
You’ll find that this Finance Bro will develop very strong opinions about airport lounges and hotel thread counts.
His travel arrangements have minimum standards. They demand business class for flights over three hours, only hotels with proper gyms, and expense accounts that include Top Shelf alcohol.
The Hedge Fund Bro sits atop the food chain.
He will talk about "alternative investments" and "market inefficiencies" at cocktail parties and during co-ed recreational sports leagues in a city park. At some point, he had a Tesla registered in his name because Musk was "disrupting transportation."
Now, he doesn’t like to bring it up.
Most conversations with this Bro sound like you’re driving down I-95 with a Bloomberg Terminal readout. He’ll tell you that he’s "long volatility, short duration, and overweight emerging markets."
He loves to talk about “market neutral” strategies, but gets defensive if you bring up that the COVID crash or GILT Crisis (2022) proves “market neutral” doesn’t exist..
He may date models, but if so, he occasionally pines for that girl he dated for 16 months in college, “before all this…” mainly because she “knows him.”
The previous Finance Bros listed above often stress about expense reports. Not the Hedge Fund Bro.
This guy drinks too much Japanese whiskey by himself, debating whether to buy a Hamptons house or an Aspen condo.
The Crypto Bro forms a distinct taxonomic rank.
He is the natural evolution of Finance Bro.
He believes himself to be mentally superior to all other Finance Bros, and they believe that anthropology studies will eventually show that the advent of cryptocurrency will be very similar to the moment when Homo Sapiens split from Neanderthals, both monetarily and mentally.
He believes Bitcoin will solve global poverty, the international debt structure, and the future of Finance. He owns NFTs that he’ll never admit to overpaying for.
He has used "HODL" in separate conversations with local politicians and foreign casino waitresses within four hours. He has different alcohol tastes than other Finance Bros and quotes Will Ferrell in Old School when it’s time for a refill.
The Quant Bro is my champion.
He sleeps for four hours a day in an apartment that resembles a NASA control room combined with a monastery.
He speaks Python, not English.
He probably was once fluent in a dead language like Latin or Old Norse. Why?
Let him tell you, but it will be a let down… (“I needed a sixth AP class…”)
He also knows every single Peloton trainer by name and hates the guy in Wisconsin whose time he can’t beat in a morning sprint. The Quant Bro believes that human emotions are "data noise." He optimizes everything… EVERYTHING.
The Peloton may be hooked up to five trading monitors.
His commute route is based on real-time traffic algorithms. His dating profiles are based on A/B testing methodologies. He has tried in the past to backtest happiness.
He’s still working on that algorithm. If I have to grab drinks with one of them, I choose the Quant Bro, because his delusions are at least mathematical.
The Startup Finance Bro works at companies that are "pre-revenue but have massive potential."
There’s a strong possibility that this guy’s first name is Dan.
He gets paid mostly in equity that might be worthless tomorrow.
He will never mark-to-market his equity value to the downside unless the company is bankrupt, and even then, he will accept the exact same offer at a company with the same probability of success (very low) in the future.
He's perpetually eighteen months away from either being a millionaire or updating his LinkedIn to "Open to Work."
Every company he joins is going to "change the world" until it runs out of runway. Then he pivots to the next opportunity with identical enthusiasm and selective amnesia. This guy doesn’t learn. But that’s the game.
Finally… There’s Intern Season or Finance Bros in Training
They’re in New York, Chicago, and other finance hubs all summer long.
Banking interns are easy to spot because they look like they're playing dress-up in their dad’s closet. They appear to be about 12 years old and haven't yet mastered the uniform. The Patagonia vest hangs too loosely. The watch is still a Fitbit from graduation. Their shoes are whatever "dress shoes" their mom bought them at DSW.
But what they lack in sophistication, they make up for in pure enthusiasm.
They're convinced they're living the life of The Wolf of Wall Street.
They're PUMPED to be in the city.
Everything is "absolutely insane" and "completely fire."
They haven’t discovered upscale cocktail lounges yet. For now, they go to bars with sticky floors and male-centric names like "Brother Jimmy’s" and “Jake’s Dilemma.” They think these bars are sophisticated because they're in Manhattan.
[Note: Less common Finance Bro types are listed at the end of this article.]
Three Lifestyle Pillars of The Finance Bro
Three other important parts of the Finance Bro’s life require rigid sociological exploration: Nutrition, Alcohol Consumption, and Social Media Presence.
All three FEED the Finance Bro’s soul. Let’s explore…
1. Nutritional Protocols
Finance Bros follow strict dietary guidelines.
Protein shakes appear to be consumed at least three times daily.
Sushi gets photographed before consumption for social media… at least 3x a week.
They own way too many of the brands of protein powders and other miracle products that sponsor their favorite podcasts.
Supplements cost more than most grocery budgets.
Everything should be grass-fed, including their anxiety levels.
Oh, and be aware of intermittent fasting.
This happens because a billionaire mentioned it during a podcast.
They'll explain the benefits unprompted to anyone who makes eye contact, even their mother on Thanksgiving, or a first date that’s over after she shakes his hand...
2. Liquid Assets
Their alcohol habits follow precise specifications… but have no statistical intake limit.
Whiskey refers to single malt Scotch or Japanese varieties, with a minimum cost of $200 per bottle.
Cocktails stay simple.
Old Fashioneds with craft bourbon. Negronis because GQ recommended them.
Nothing with more than three ingredients because complexity suggests amateurism.
Beer means craft IPAs or a Bud Light can with the top removed using a hand-cranked can opener, if they fit into the Quant Bro mold and really want greater efficiency.
Wine gets ordered by pointing at prices, not descriptions.
Energy drinks fuel the market hours.
Red Bull during trading.
Monster during late-night deal reviews.
Coffee is for closers… seriously.
Put that coffee down.
3. Digital Presence
Many younger Finance Bros claim they no longer use social media.
They do - because they’re checking your posts a few times a day.
Those who do social media follow similar rules…
Instagram showcases gym selfies, expensive meals, and travel photos.
LinkedIn features motivational quotes, humble deal brags, and thought leadership posts about "learning from failure."
Twitter delivers market hot takes, cryptocurrency predictions, and reflexive retweets from Elon Musk.
Every market prediction ages like milk in the sun.
They’re usually deleted before anyone notices.
TikTok officially doesn't exist in their lives…
But they watch Finance TikTok at 2 am while taking a cab home if they struck out…
The Reality
Today, we’ve studied the anthropology of the Finance Bro.
But here’s the reality.
Most know their stuff.
Behind the Patagonia vests and protein obsessions, many possess real expertise.
I've seen 25-year-olds explain credit default swaps while bench pressing their body weight. It's simultaneously impressive and deeply unsettling.
I’ve seen another spend four hours teaching an intern how to properly code in Excel and light up like he just signed a billion-dollar deal when the kid finally got it right…
They understand markets, risk management, and capital allocation.
And they take care of their community.
They work extremely long hours under immense pressure.
These are competent, real people.
They’ve just transformed Finance into lifestyle branding… and they likely have a good sense of humor about it. And they represent something uniquely American.
They still hold the belief that if you work hard enough, optimize ruthlessly enough, and dress the part convincingly enough, you can build something meaningful.
Yes, they've turned capitalism into a form of cosplay, but they're also the ones staying up until 3 a.m. to ensure pension funds don't lose retirees' money.
They're not just moving numbers around spreadsheets.
They're funding the startups that cure diseases, the infrastructure that connects communities, and the innovations that improve lives.
They might discuss it all while wearing identical vests, but the work matters.
So the next time you see three guys in Patagonia vests loudly discussing water companies next to Lake Tahoe, remember…
They're likely trying to address a real issue.
I’ll probably see those three guys ringing the NYSE Bell one day after they’ve pivoted from cheaper water bottles to solving the California water crisis…
They've just chosen to do it with maximum optimization and minimum self-awareness.
The world needs more people who care that much about getting things right…
And the Finance Bros will be fine.
They always are.
Now, let’s worry about the rest of us…
Stay positive,
Garrett Baldwin
P.S. Just in Case You Need MORE Finance Bros… I Got You Covered…
The ESG/Impact Finance Bro
This guy is convinced he's saving the world through sustainable investing and using the Blue bins everywhere.
He wears the same Patagonia vest that he got on day one, but talks endlessly about carbon credits. His LinkedIn is full of posts about "doing well by doing good."
The Real Estate Finance Bro
This guy lives and breathes cap rates, NOI, and "cash-on-cash returns."
Every conversation becomes about how residential real estate is "dead money" compared to commercial multifamily units. He explains gentrification using IRR calculations on a subway ride to Brooklyn.
The Family Office Bro
This is the most insufferable variant of Finance Bros. He manages "generational wealth" and name-drops ultra-high-net-worth families. Everything is bespoke, damnit. His suits, his strategies, his disdain for people who don't use summer as a verb. I once saw one of these guys say "wealth preservation across generations" at a six-year-old’s birthday party.
The FinTech Bro
He’ll tell you traditional banking is dead while you’re at a playoff NHL Hockey Game… during overtime. He will use the following terms: "frictionless," "seamless," or "democratizing access to capital" during alumni events 10 years later. He has strong opinions about which neobank will "disrupt retail banking" while using JPMorgan Chase to manage his actual money.
The Compliance/Risk Management Bro
This guy’s hard to date. He’s the extinction endgame of Finance Bros. He speaks fluent regulatory acronyms (SOX, CFTC, FINRA) and finds pure joy in stress-testing scenarios. His idea of rebellion is asking his bosses if a particular trade needs more documentation. He’s also way too good at FIFA on PlayStation 5 at 29 years old.
Really enjoyed the article. Thanks GB!
Would make a good movie, just need a plot...